Not One, But Two
by galaxies in her eyes
Summary: Hermione's got not one, but two, handsome male specimens all to herself. A collection of unrelated Sirius/Hermione/Remus one-shots. Overall T rating.
1. A Chance for Love

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (dialogue) "Wait. I'm confused. Are you in love with (person 1) or (person 2)?" / "Yes."_

 _Going, Going, Gone! — (setting) 12 Grimmauld Place_

* * *

Harry waved his hands in the air. "Wait," he interrupted. "I'm confused. Are you in love with Sirius or Remus?"

Hermione sighed and sat down in the armchair. They were at 12 Grimmauld Place where she lived with Sirius and Remus, and Harry had finally cornered her in the library after several days of trying and failing to ask her which of the two men she was romantically attracted to. And she couldn't lie; she was attracted to both of them.

There was just something about Remus that drew her in. Perhaps it was all the raw animal magnetism, or the fact that his eyes always darkened when she spotted him coming out of the shower with a towel around his waist, wet hair, and bare chest. He wasn't what one immediately thought about when someone said 'handsome,' with his scars and shagginess, but he cleaned up well and he looked handsome to _her_ , so what did anyone else's opinion matter?

And Sirius…Sirius was a totally different story. He was pretty. Gorgeous, in fact. He often came home late on the weekends — or early, depending on how one looked at it — reeking of Muggle booze and sex. He sometimes brought what Hermione called 'floozies' back to Grimmauld, which she hated because, well, walls were thin and he somehow always "forgot" to put up Silencing charms.

But for all their flaws — Sirius's womanizing and Remus's habit of withdrawing even though Hermione already knew about his lycanthropy — she loved them. Both of them.

Harry was waiting patiently for an answer, but Hermione was far from done with her mental rationalization.

Triads weren't unusual in the Wizarding world — but they also weren't exactly everyday occurrences. She would most likely be accused of horrifying things, like using love potions or Dark spells to entice the men. She would probably be set upon by both Remus' and Sirius' fanclub; she'd seen what the crazed women did to those who messed with their plans.

But on the other hand, she knew that the men were attracted to her at least a little; she'd heard things (and even seen things, one time). She knew that they wouldn't let her reputation be trampled by jealous women (and men); she'd seen Sirius when he was mad and knew that anyone opposing her would immediately back off. No one wanted to go against Lord Black, for they _knew_ they wouldn't win. They were both protective of her and wouldn't let anyone harm her.

But what of the Weasleys? What of Harry and Ron, her best friends? Would they approve? She decided she didn't care; they would come to terms with it...eventually. A chance at love wasn't something to be passed up.

Hermione sighed and said, "Yes."

* * *

 _word count: 462_


	2. I Want You Both

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (dialogue)"Was that supposed to hurt?"_

* * *

"You _bastard_!" Remus swung a fist at his friend, infuriated beyond belief that Sirius had kissed Hermione — had full-on _snogged_ Hermione — without consulting him. "We swore to be in this together, Black!"

Sirius pinched his bloody nose and reached into his back pocket, pulling out a white handkerchief. He held it to his nose, and it quickly turned red as the blood spread across the thin material. "Was that supposed to hurt?" he challenged jokingly.

Only his nose made him sound like he had a cold.

" _Yes_ , you idiot!" His temper enflamed even further, Remus hauled back and punched Sirius on the cheekbone. The Animagus's head snapped sideways before he returned fire: clipping Remus's side and causing him to stumble.

This set them both off, and for several minutes, the two men traded punches (both), kicks (Remus), and even bites (Sirius), before calling a truce and dragging their sore bodies inside.

* * *

Hermione fussed over them like a mother hen, tongue clicking on obvious disapproval at the sight of their injuries. "Who started this?" she asked as she flicked her wand toward the stove, sliding the kettle onto the burner and filling it with water with another swish.

Sirius and Remus simultaneously pointed at the other and chorused, "He did." They glared at one another and tried again: "No, _he_ did!" They still spoke together, and Hermione huffed a weary laugh and rubbed her forehead.

"Alright, what's this all about? In my entire two years living with you, and the time I knew you before that, I have never seen either of you raise so much as a _finger_ toward the other. Well," she amended, "no finger except the usual."

The kettle whistled, and she turned away, lifting it off the heat and pouring it into a bowl.

Remus remained quiet throughout Hermione's little speech, smirking a bit when she referred to the "flipping war" he'd had with Sirius years ago. It had been her, actually, fifteen-year-old her, who had finally marched into the room they occupied when everyone else had given up and dispersed and flipped the both of them off before marching back upstairs in her pink nightgown and matching pink bunny slippers. The two grown men had stared at one another for several seconds before bursting into loud peaks of laughter and admitting defeat.

"So." Hermione faced them again, holding the bowl of hot water and a washcloth. "I'm going to heal you two — not that you deserve it — and you'd better tell me why you're fighting by the time I finish or you'll end up worse than before." She dipped the raf in the water and wrung it out, approaching Sirius. Dabbing at his cheekbone with the rag and a small jar of bruise paste the Weasley twins had come up with, she added, "Draco Malfoy and Poppy Pomfrey can attest to my right hook."

Sirius laughed aloud, recalling the tale his godson had regaled him with. "Don't worry, Kitten," he assured her. "I have no interest in fighting you, too. I'm more scared of you than I am of the big, bad wolf over there." It wasn't exactly true, but he was definitely not going to deliberately attempt to get on Hermione Granger's bad side; he'd heard way too many stories pitting her against the bad guys, and he felt more than a little sorry for them when he heard what had happened to them in the end.

Remus growled, and both Hermione and Sirius laughed. Apparently he didn't like that idea.

"What's this all about?" Hermione pressed as she scooped the paste out with two fingers. "I know you well enough that you don't fight without a cause. So what is that cause? What started this?"

Remus glared at Sirius. "Padfoot here…" he began, "started something without me that he promised we would tackle together."

To his surprise, Hermione laughed. So hard, in fact, that she had to stop tending to Sirius. Finally, she stopped and wiped her eyes. "Oh, Merlin. This is about you two wanting to date me together, isn't it?"

He stopped short. "How'd you know?" he asked suspiciously.

She grinned at him. "You guys are loose-tongued drunks, did you know that? It wasn't hard to see that you had a secret, and it was even easier to drag said secret out of you. I handed over a couple bottles of Firewhiskey and you two just went at it. I just sat back and drank a bit and interjected questions into your drunk ramblings, and soon enough — _voila_! An answer to your uncomfortableness around one another and me." She giggled. "You're also very…daring, shall we say…when you're inebriated, and very stupid."

Sirius's eyes widened. "Is _that_ why I woke up in Muggle London completely naked with birds perched on my you-know-what, which had birdseed glued on it?"

Remus had stifled a laugh when Sirius began speaking, but the mirth had only grown as he continued, and now he burst out laughing uncontrollably. "Who dared him to do _that_?" he gasped out when he could breathe.

"Funnily enough," Hermione remarked, "he did. Had an entire conversation with himself about it."

This set Remus off again, but finally he regained control of himself. Sirius sat with his arms folded and a pout on his face. "Yeah, yeah, yack it up," he grumbled.

They sobered eventually, and Hermione asked curiously, "Why did you resort to fighting over me?"

"It wasn't over _you_ ," Sirius said before backtracking. (He'd learned enough back in the day to not foolishly wound a woman's pride.) "I mean, um, it was over wooing you together. Remus's words," he added in a stage whisper, "not mine."

She nodded. "I see. Why didn't you just ask me? I would be completely fine with you 'wooing' me together, or separately, as long as I end up with you both in the end." She rose. "Think about that," she advised, planting a peck on both mens' lips. "I want you both."

* * *

 _word count: 1000_


	3. A Long Night

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (scenario) Three_ _friends need to rent a room. Only one is left, with one large bed._ _They have no choice but to share_

* * *

Hermione stared forlornly around the tiny hotel room. This was what she got for changing her plans last minute and dragging the others to Paris, a place she had never been, and now a place that she couldn't wait to leave.

Sirius entered the room, dragging their luggage, which had been shrunk but were still huge, and stopped short. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he joked, "This is our suite, huh? Doesn't look like much."

Remus poked his head out from the bathroom. "This is tiny, too," he reported. "Sirius, I'm afraid that takes shower sex out of the equation."

The black-haired man snorted. "You know I don't swing that way, Moony. Straight as an arrow, I am."

"I could tell from the many girls you bring home," Remus shot back.

"And look at this!" exclaimed Hermione, interrupting the banter. "There's only one bed!"

Sirius scowled. "I'm going back down to the lobby," he announced. "I can't believe this! We paid for better than this!" Still muttering under his breath, he set down the bags with a thump and stomped back out.

Hermione shared a look with Remus, and they both shrugged helplessly. There was arguing with Sirius Black.

* * *

"Would you believe it, they told me this was their best room?" Sirius stomped back in, still scowling blackly. Remus glanced at Hermione, who was studiously examining the floor. He could see her biting the inside of her cheek — a tell-tale sign she was trying to keep from laughing.

"Really?" he asked, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"I can see you laughing at me," Sirius said. "The question remains — what are we going to do about sleeping arrangements? They told me getting extra beds is next to impossible."

"Well," began Hermione slowly, "we're all grown adults, you know. I think we can handle sleeping in the same bed.

Remus and Sirius looked at one another and shrugged assent.

* * *

Sirius snored, Hermione learned that night. _Loudly_. She never heard him when they were in separate rooms at Grimmauld Place. He also hogged the covers. Meanwhile, Remus turned into a leech — clinging to her from behind.

Merlin, this was going to be a long night.

* * *

 _word count: 371_


	4. Hold My Hand!

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (action) holding hands_

* * *

"Lord Black?" A young man poked his head out of the delivery room. "Your wife is asking for you."

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. "She _asked_?" he repeated, tone colored with disbelief.

"Well…I believe her exact words were, 'Get my husband in here, you useless buffoons. Black's the one that did this to me; drag him in. Fucking now!'"

"Ah, yes." Sirius nodded sagely. "That sounds much more like the missus." He stood up. "Lead the way."

"Wait," Remus interrupted. "What about me? Don't I get to come in?"

The young man scrutinized Remus, who wore a pair of Muggle jeans and a stained, wrinkled t-shirt. "I'm sorry, sir. And you are…?" It was clearly a dismissal, but Remus refused to take it as such.

"Remus Black," he replied smoothly.

"Black?" The man's gaze shot to Sirius, who nodded.

"Remus is my husband," he informed the stuttering, red-faced man. The news really shouldn't have been such a shock; though the wedding had been small, the news of the triad had caused much scandal and gossip.

Obviously well-trained enough to not press, the man turned without another word and led Sirius and Remus down the hall.

* * *

They entered a small room that, despite the size, several people bustled around in. On the bed at the far end of the room, half-sitting, half-lying, was Hermione Black, née Granger.

Her husbands rushed to her side. She was sweaty and breathing hard, but she had never looked more beautiful. Until Sirius ventured a peek between her legs, at least.

"Oh, yuck!" he complained. "What is _that_?"

" _That's_ your son," rebuked the midwife.

"I think it just put me off sex for the rest of my life," he muttered.

"Good," Hermione panted. "Because I am never letting you near my vagina again."

Remus laughed.

Hermione glared at him. "Don't just _stand_ there," she ordered. "Hold my hand!" She grabbed hold of Remus' hand, then Sirius'. Her eyes squeezed shut and she squeezed their hands as hard as she could. "Owww…"

"Bloody _hell_ , you've got a grip, love." Sirius winced as another contraction hit Hermione and she redoubled her efforts to break all the bones in his hand. "I think this is as bad as those contractions of yours."

Immediately, her eyes popped open and she sent him a death glare. "Not — even — close," she grunted.

"Really?" he challenged. "'Cause you're doing an awfully good job of killing my hand!"

"Oh, would you like to switch places and take over pushing our son out of _your_ vagina?"

He wisely shut up.

* * *

Many hours and two broken hands later, Remus and Sirius sat on either side of Hermione's bed and watched in adoration as Orion (Ryan) Jacob Black latched onto his mother's — their wife's — finger in his sleep with his tiny, chubby, dimpled hand, pursed mouth working away as he dreamed of nursing.

"He's perfect," Hermione said softly.

They couldn't agree more.

* * *

 _word count: 488_


	5. Just A Bonus

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (AU) Arranged Marriage/Marriage Law!AU_

* * *

Hermione descended the stairs Tuesday morning to find her roommates sitting at the dining room table and glaring at a scroll of parchment with such ferocity she was amazed it hadn't incinerated yet.

"What's that?" she asked curiously.

Eyes still on the parchment, Sirius answered — through clenched teeth, it sounded like — "A notice from the Ministry."

Hermione blinked. "About…?" she pressed.

"It's a marriage law," Remus said quietly. "It's ordering all the Purebloods to marry half-bloods and Muggleborns."

They both jumped as Sirius's fist came down on the table with a loud thud. "Damn the Ministry!" he exclaimed. "Damn them to buggering hell!"

Hermione picked up the scroll and skimmed through it. It sounded solemn and pompous, describing how the population of the Wizarding world had dropped drastically during the war, and how they had decided to create the Marriage Law to assist the rise. Purebloods weren't allowed to marry other Purebloods — half-bloods and Muggleborns only.

It was also very specific about that fact that all relationships had to consist of two men and one woman.

"This sucks," she said after she finished. "But we have to do it. How does it work? Do we apply for a match?"

"No," Remus replied. "The Purebloods can petition for up to six people they want. We," he gestured between them, "have no say in the matter."

Hermione dropped into a chair. "Ugh. So, if Sirius and, say, Draco Malfoy petition for me, who would receive me as their wife?" She hated to sound so clinical about something that pretty much named her an object to be bid upon, but there was no use in refusing to allow the law to happen; it wasn't up to her.

"I'm not entirely sure." Sirius pursed his lips. "Probably depends on who sends in their petition first."

"Well, why don't you petition for me and Remus?" Hermione suggested. "I mean, you don't want to end up with someone horrible — because I wouldn't let anyone horrible in the house — so send in a letter asking for our hands."

Sirius peered at her anxiously. "You wouldn't mind?" Both Hermione and Remus could clearly see the stress lines on the black-haired man's face, and she felt like reaching over and smoothing them away with her thumb.

"I wouldn't," Remus said. "I'd rather marry you than anyone else."

"Oh, real nice," Sirius joked. "You mean you're not agreeing because of my dashing good looks?"

Hermione snorted. "Nah. Though that _is_ a close second."

They all laughed, and Sirius visibly relaxed.

"We should get wedding planning," Hermione said. "And Sirius, send in a letter to the Ministry. You don't want to miss out on all this." She shimmied and sashayed out.

Remus huffed a breath once Hermione was gone. "Your acting skills are getting better," he complimented. "I almost believed that you were reluctant to marry Hermione."

"Shut up," he grumbled. "It's better than getting matched to someone at random, and at least I know her."

"And you've wanted her for longer than is really considered appropriate, haven't you?"

Sirius shrugged. "That's just a bonus."

* * *

 _word count: 519_


	6. Meant to Be

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (scenario)_ _the triad aren't hiding their relationship but others think they're just really good friends. Until someone says "You guys all look like you're together."_

* * *

"Sirius, are you ready yet?" Hermione called up the stairs. Her boyfriend (one of them, at least), Sirius Black, has been holed up in the master bathroom for nearly two hours now.

"Not quite," he yelled back. "Perfection can't be rushed, you know!"

Her other boyfriend, Remus Lupin, rolled his eyes. "No one cares if your belt doesn't exactly match your shoes, Padfoot."

"I'm _coming_!" Sirius descended the stairs, wearing a blue button-down shirt and jeans. "They aren't supposed to arrive for another," he checked his watch, "what, hour and forty-five?"

Hermione snorted. "I think your watch needs resetting. They should be here in," she cast a Tempus, "four minutes."

"It can't be wrong!" Sirius exclaimed. "I got this watch for my graduation day!"

A knock came at the door. Hermione shot him a look.

"No," she agreed, tone dripping sarcasm. "It absolutely cannot be wrong." Remus covered a laugh with a cough and Sirius glared at him with a ridiculous pout.

"Best behaviour, boys," Hermione warned as she moved to answer the door. "I wonder if anyone will notice this time."

"Good grief, it's been nearly nine months," Remus said. "When are they going to pay attention?"

"I say we try to make it as obvious as possible," proposed Sirius. "And I bet ten Galleons it's Arthur who noticed first."

"No. Molly," Remus voted.

The knock sounded again, a bit faster and more impatient. Hermione paused with her hand on the knob. "My bet's on Ron." Her boyfriends pshed and scoffed. "I know he isn't the most observant —" Sirius coughed something that sounded suspiciously like, observant, my arse "— but he does notice things that many don't." With that, she flung open the door.

Sirius and Remus could hear her greeting the guests and turned to one another before shrugging and going to assist.

* * *

Everyone invited had come — Bill and Fleur and their daughter, Victoire, Ron and his fiancée, Lavender Brown (who never failed to rub the fact that she had snagged Ron into Hermione's face, so proud of her accomplishment it didn't seem to register in her mind that Hermione didn't care), Molly and Arthur, Charlie (dragged back from Romania with the promise of Molly's famous custard tartlets), Percy (who had finally reconciled with the rest of his family, but who remained a bit standoffish), Ginny and her boy-toy of the week, Tomas or Troy or some other name that started with a 'T.'

Remus and Sirius had quickly discovered that Hermione could not cook (anything edible, anyway), and Sirius teased her mercilessly about it. Remus could make a few things, and he bought dozens of cookbooks to test new recipes (usually on poor, unsuspecting Hermione and Sirius).

Thankfully, the dinner had been made completely by Kreacher. Some desserts (Molly's custard tartlets) had been brought for afters.

They had all just sat down when Hermione realized the silverware had been forgotten. Remus began to stand up but she waved him back down. "I've got it, love. Kreacher!"

The old elf popped into the room. Everyone held their breath, waiting for him to start calling her names and wailing about how the Black honor had been sullied by a Mudblood. To their utter shock, Kreacher bowed and said, "Mistress called. Kreacher lives to serve the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black."

"A spoon, salad fork, dinner fork, and knife for everyone, please," she requested. The elf bowed again and disappeared.

"You guys all look like you're together," blurted Tomas or Troy or whatever-his-name-was.

Hermione glanced at Sirius and Remus. For all their betting and joking, they hadn't come up with a plan on what to do if confronted about their relationship. "I suppose that would be because we are," she said slowly.

Everyone began shouting then. Hermione covered her ears and waved her arms in the air. "I can't hear! One at a time!"

"I knew it!" crowed Charlie.

"A threesome?" Lavender sneered. "What are you doing, Granger? Trying to fuck yourself into the good graces of what's left of the Black family?"

Molly smacked her on the arm. "Language, young lady!" she rebuked.

"No," corrected Arthur. "A triad. A perfect match of soul, heart, and body. They're very rare."

Remus stayed silent up until now. "We're a true triad?" he asked.

Fleur nodded. "I can see ze bond between you," she announced, French accent lighter than it used to be. "Eet eez very beautiful."

"What's it look like?" Ginny asked eagerly.

Fleur seemed to be struggling with words. " _Alor_ , eet resembles a golden, ah, glow zat surrounds 'ermione, Sirius, and Remus." She nodded again, pleased with her answer, and sat back.

Sirius leaned over and planted a noisy kiss on Hermione's lips. "We were meant to be."

* * *

 _word count: 792_


	7. Like A Queen

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (dialogue) "I wish I could understand."_

* * *

"Are you ready for this?" Hermione asked her boyfriends, Remus and Sirius, as the three stood outside the door to the Burrow. "You don't have to do this — I mean, we aren't planning to get married for at least another year or two. There's no rush to ask for Molly and Arthur's blessing."

Sirius set his jaw. "I'm doing this. What kind of man would I be if I didn't get the blessing of who my girlfriend considers her second parents?"

Remus murmured agreement. Hermione raised her fist, knocked, and pushed the door open.

* * *

"Pardon me?" Molly Weasley stared at the three people in front of her, mouth slightly open in shock. "You're…dating." The last sounded as if she required confirmation.

"Yes," Hermione said patiently.

"And you want my blessing."

"Yes," said Remus and Sirius in unison.

"You truly want to marry her?" Arthur asked, turning to face Sirius. "You're truly settling down?"

"Yes," Sirius said impatiently. "I love her; I love Remus; she loves us both."

"I wish I could understand," Molly muttered, sitting back in her plush armchair that had clearly seen better days. "I won't say that this is exactly shocking — I've seen the glances you send one another when you think no one is looking — but I didn't expect you all to marry. Why are you asking for our blessing?"

Hermione knelt by the chair. "You're the closest person I have to a mother," she said softly. She turned and placed a hand on Arthur's arm. "You're like a father to me. Both of you have always been there for me, always helped me whenever you could."

Molly's eyes filled with tears. "Oh, my dear." She leaned forward and wrapped Hermione in a motherly embrace. "Of course you have my blessing, Sirius, Remus."

"Treat her like a princess," Arthur warned.

Remus's eyes flashed amber. "Don't worry, Arthur. We'll treat her like a queen."

* * *

 _word count: 320_


	8. An Orange Flame

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — Soulmate!AU_

* * *

"Are you ready, Moony?" Sirius Black asked, rubbing his hands together. It was their final year at Hogwarts, and the two friends were attempting to cast a Soul Bond spell — a spell that would name their soulmate.

The two had been dating secretly for the past year, and though they were very compatible together, they knew it would be highly unlikely and very rare should their soulmate turn out to be one another.

"Ready," replied Remus Lupin. "You have the candle?"

"Right here!" Sirius said, holding up the red candle. "Let's do this."

* * *

The spell called for a red and white candle, dried red rose petals, and a new moon.

They placed the rose petals in a wooden bowl and stood on either side of it, clasping hands. Remus lit his candle — the white one — with his wand and held it over the bowl. Sirius did the same with the red. The wax melted and dripped from the tip, and they tilted the candles back to upright position after seven drops hit the petals.

"What next?" Sirius asked in a hushed whisper. He wasn't taking chances around this kind of magic.

Remus consulted the yellowed scroll they'd stolen — _borrowed_ , insisted Sirius — from the library. The Restricted Section, to be specific. "It says here, 'True love ignites an orange flame, And in red is your soulmate's name.'"

Sirius blinked. "So, where does the 'orange flame' come fro —"

He was cut off by the rose petals suddenly bursting into flame — _orange_ flame. Remus exclaimed about the bowl, it being made of wood and all, but when the flames died down a few seconds later, it still looked perfectly fine.

They approached the bowl cautiously and Sirius peeked inside. The petals were gone, as were the wax droplets, and in their place was red markings scratched on the bottom of the bowl.

"Hermione Granger," read Remus. He frowned. "Pads, you know anyone with that name?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't recognize the last name. Must be Muggle." He grinned. "Walburga will _freak_!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "I still don't understand why you call your mother by her name. Does the scroll — wait, where _is_ the scroll, anyway?" Frantically, they searched the room, but came up empty-handed.

"Shit," Sirius swore. "Well, let's hope no one needs to find their soulmate anytime soon."

They threw the Invisibility Cloak over themselves and crept back to Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

Sirius and Remus talked about their soulmate — because there was only one name, they decided the girl would be both of theirs — often, but never told anyone else, not even James or Peter, what they had done.

They never met anyone with that name, though they searched. They did find an Emma and Daniel Granger in the Muggle phonebook, but didn't bother calling in on them.

They didn't find their soulmate for many, many years. It had been so long that they doubted whether they would ever meet her.

And then Remus accepted the Defense position at Hogwarts and discovered a fourteen-year-old swotty bookworm named Hermione Granger.

* * *

 _word count: 517_


	9. Count Me In

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione:Remus — (AU) Fake Dating!AU_

* * *

Hermione burst into the library, nearly in tears. "Guys, I need a date for the Christmas dinner at the Burrow. Molly's mad because Ron and I didn't end up together and she's snubbing poor Lavender for being his fiancée, and…"

Remus held up his hand. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. You want us to pretend to be your boyfriends for Christmas dinner at the Burrow?"

"I knew you couldn't resist me," Sirius preened.

"Sirius, Remus, please do this for me," Hermione begged. "I promise I'll repay you."

"We don't need payment," Remus assured her. "We'll do it."

"We will?" Sirius asked.

Remus glared at him. "Yes, Padfoot, we will."

The black-haired man shrugged. "Sure, Kitten. We'll do it."

"Oh, thank you both so much!" Hermione launched herself at them and wrapped an arm around each man's neck.

Sirius patted her on the back, staring over her shoulder at his friend. _We need to talk_ , he mouthed.

* * *

"What are we going to do?" groaned Sirius after they managed to shoo Hermione away, sinking into a chair by the fire. "We just signed up to be Hermione's bloody boyfriends, Moony!"

"Fake boyfriends," Remus corrected.

"Exactly!" he exclaimed. "And that's even worse! Moony, we're the guys she trusts to not make a move while we pretend to be her boyfriends."

Remus shrugged and sat down opposite Sirius. "I can do that."

" _I_ bloody well can't!" griped Sirius. "Merlin, we live in the same house as a beautiful woman that neither of us will ever deserve. What's your little friend say about this situation?"

"Fine," Remus said. "You want to hear me say that I can barely stand it, that I want to burst into the bathroom while she takes her morning shower and dirty her all over again? That's what you want, isn't it?"

"Yes!" His anger seemed to evaporate. "I don't know if I can stand to _pretend_ to be her boyfriend, Moony. I want to be the real thing!"

Remus stared out the window. "You and me both, Pads," he murmured. "You and me both."

* * *

They arrived on the snow-covered, overgrown lawn of the Burrow with a sharp crack. Hermione was sandwiched between the two men, holding onto their arms with a death grip.

"Bloody hell, I hate Side-Along," she groaned. "Who came up with it, anyway? I'll bet the entire contents of Gringotts they never experienced it."

Sirius laughed. "That's probably accurate, love. I wouldn't go against that bet."

Hermione let go of their arms and faced him. "Love?" she asked, eyebrows raised.

He shrugged. "It seemed appropriate, me being your 'boyfriend,'" he made air quotes with his fingers, "and all."

Remus gave them both a little nudge. "Come on, we're going to be late."

* * *

No one batted an eye at the sight of Hermione accompanied by Sirius and Remus.

Not even when she pecked them both on the lips and walked away to help out in the kitchen. Not even when Sirius and Hermione got stuck under the Weasley twins' magical mistletoe and he pulled her into his arms and snogged her firmly. Not even when Remus and Hermione teamed up for the after-dinner snowball fight and won and then disappeared for an hour.

They eventually went home, laden with gifts and leftovers pressed onto them by Molly. Hermione put the food in the fridge and took out a huge bar of chocolate from Remus's secret stash.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked, watching her break it into little chunks and put them in a double boiler, popping a piece into her mouth every now and again.

"Making hot chocolate," she replied. She stirred the chocolate a few times and pulled a bottle of milk out of the fridge, pouring it into another pan and setting it on the stove.

Remus came down the stairs, having taken off his uncomfortable clothes and put on flannel pajama bottoms and a thin, white, cotton shirt. "Merlin, I love you," he announced, putting his hands on her waist as she tended the warming milk and the melting chocolate. He rested his chin on the top of her head, marveling at the feel of her in his arms — she was so petite, he found it hard to believe she had fought a war.

She smiled, though he couldn't see it. "I love you too," she said softly. The milk began to bubble a bit so she turned off the burner and poured three mugs full. She spooned some of chocolate into each mug and stirred. "Grab yours?" she requested, picking her mug — a white one with a blue star on it — up and heading to the table.

They followed and sat down across from one another, on either side of the head where she sat.

"That wasn't too bad, was it?" Hermione asked, picking up her hot chocolate and blowing on it. "Pretending to be dating me, I mean."

The men glanced at one another. "No," Remus answered.

"Definitely not," added Sirius. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

Hermione smiled at him. "And what if…" she flushed a delicate pink and stared at her fingernails, "what if I wanted to make this situation permanent?"

"As in, we pretend to be your boyfriends forever?" Remus asked.

She shook her head, not looking at either of them. "No…as in, we make it official. You know. Actually date one another."

Remus's gaze flashed to Sirius, who looked ecstatic.

"Count me in," they chorused.

* * *

 _word count: 911_


	10. Goodnight, Kitten

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (action) sleeping_

* * *

Sirius was awoken by a timid tap on his shoulder. After having lived through two wars, he was a very light sleeper. Remus was asleep beside him for warmth — and comfort, for both of their lives had been fraught with pain — so he assumed it was his other live in housemate, Hermione, who was standing over him.

"What's wrong?" he asked in a sleepy voice. He waved his hand at the curtains — wandless magic had become much easier of late — and dim, silvery light from the moon poured in, not brightening the room much, but making it possible to see the glistening tear tracks on Hermione's cheeks.

"I h —" she hiccuped "— had a b-bad dream." His face softened; he knew what she was talking about. "C-can I sleep with y-you?"

"Of course," he said. "Remus is in here, too, so you'll have to get in the middle. That okay, love?"

She nodded and Sirius saw a fresh tear escape the corner of her eye. She moved to swipe it away but he got there first, wiping under her eye with his thumb. "Don't cry, Kitten," he begged. "Shh, it's alright." He sat up, leaning against the headboard, as far to the right-hand side as he could get without falling off, and patted the space beside him. Thank Merlin it wasn't one of the nights Moony decided to turn into a bloody starfish and cling to him.

Hesitantly, she crawled over his body — which he admitted to himself felt mighty nice — and settled in next to him, drawing the covers up around herself.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked again.

Hermione shook her head, making her riotous curls bounce. (One ended up in his mouth, which he promptly spat out. Her vanilla shampoo made her hair _smell_ great, but it unfortunately didn't make it _taste_ like dessert.)

"Just dreaming about the war," she said, voice barely above a whisper. "Of all the lives lost, both innocent and guilty."

Sirius could tell there was more bothering her, but didn't press. Thankfully, she continued.

"I dreamt of my _visit_ ," she practically spat the word, "to Malfoy Manor. Of my torture at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange."

Sirius's fists clenched. _Merlin_ , he loathed his cousin. Still did, truth be told, even though she was dead. He could have kissed Molly Weasley when he heard she had rid the world of that menace.

"I hate that bitch," he said.

Hermione snorted softly. "Who wouldn't?"

They both laughed a little at that, then Hermione yawned. "Thank you," she murmured drowsily.

Sirius almost replied, ' _For what_?' before Hermione gave a soft snore and he realised she was asleep.

"Goodnight, Kitten," he whispered. Sirius wrapped his arm around the tiny woman asleep beside him. He pressed a light kiss to her untamable curls, hugged her a bit closer to himself, and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 _word count: 483_


	11. I Say Yes

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (AU) Tattoo Artist!AU_

* * *

Sirius never thought Hermione Granger, his godson's swotty friend who lived with him at Grimmauld Place, would get a tattoo. But here she stood in front of him, proudly showing off her petite ankle tattoo of a blood-red rose. There were two delicate green leaves on either side of the stem, and he found the overall appearance of the tattoo strangely erotic.

As he examined it, he asked Hermione, "Where'd you get it? This looks like the work of a pro."

"I found a little parlour right at the end of Diagon Alley — almost to Knockturn Alley," she replied. "It was super clean, and _oh_ , the owner of the place and the tattoo artist — Remus Lupin — was handsome!" She grinned. "That was an unexpected bonus."

Sirius tamped down the jealousy that rose inside him — he had no right to be jealous of a man whom Hermione would probably never see again. He shouldn't even be looking at his godson's best friend in the first place! Merlin, he had twenty years on her.

"I think I'll stop by sometime," he said, proud of his even tone. He wanted to check out the tattoo artist himself.

Hermione smiled. "You won't be disappointed," she assured him.

* * *

He certainly wasn't.

The tattoo artist _was_ handsome. There was a rough, rugged look to him, with his bicep tats and the earring stuck through one ear, but his voice and mannerisms were as gentle as could be. He wore a black tank and ripped jeans, but aside from that fact he looked like he could model. He had a hard jawline, clean-shaven, messy — not Sirius's deliberately messy; naturally messy — sandy-blond hair, and piercing celery green eyes.

When Sirius entered, he looked up from his paperwork and smiled. "Welcome," he greeted.

 _Good grief_ , Sirius thought, no wonder Hermione is attracted to him. _The man_ oozes _raw sex appeal!_

"Er, hello," he managed. "Are you Remus?"

"Why, yes, I am!" The man stood up. Sirius wasn't a short man by any stretch of the imagination — just under six feet — but Remus stood at _least_ four inches taller than him. He had thick arms that spoke of much exercise and which put Sirius to shame. He suddenly felt much less sure about his chances with Hermione. "How may I help you today?"

"I'm looking to get a tattoo," Sirius explained. "My live in roommate came in a few days ago and gushed about you."

"And your roommate would be…?" he questioned.

"Ah, Hermione. Hermione Granger."

Remus smiled and nodded. "Yes, I remember her. Nearly talked my ear off, that one."

Sirius laughed. "That would be typical 'Mione for you."

Clapping his hands, Remus showed Sirius the books full of tattoo examples. "If you don't see one you like, I can do anything else if you draw it or show me a picture," he said. "Let me know when you've found one you like. I'm just going to finish up this form." He sat back down at his desk and Sirius heard his quill scratching the parchment as he flipped through the books.

"This one," he announced finally, pointing to a large black dog. Remus came over.

"The Grim?" he asked, sounding surprised. "Not many peoples' eyes are drawn to that one." He led Sirius over to the chair and had him sit. "Any specific reason you chose that particular tattoo?"

Sirius shook his head. Not many people knew he was an Animagus and he preferred to keep it that way. Hermione had made him register at the Ministry, so at least he wasn't illegal anymore. "No reason," he shrugged.

Remus hummed. "Where you want it?"

"Across my shoulder blades," replied Sirius.

"You sure? That's a painful place to get a tat. Makes it take longer to heal." Sirius nodded and Remus shrugged. "Okay, then. Muggle or magical ink, and how large?"

Sirius thought for a moment. Did he want the tattoo to move? "Muggle ink," he said finally. "And not too big. Maybe just barely touching each of my shoulder blades?"

"Mmkay," Remus said, readying his equipment. He eyed Sirius. "You'll need to take off your shirt, you know."

"Trying to get me out of my clothes already?" Sirius joked. He grabbed the hem of his t-shirt with both hands and dragged it off. He basked in Remus's discreetly appreciative glances, which made it quite obvious that the blond man played for both teams.

The banter continued back and forth while Sirius was inked, and he found himself agreeing more and more with Hermione's statement. He suddenly wondered, with a bit of a jolt, what it would be like to date both Remus _and_ Hermione at the same time.

* * *

He broached the topic to Hermione the next morning at breakfast — which he made because Hermione was could not cook and was literally capable of burning, baking, broiling, and frying water.

"What do you think of triads?" he asked, shoveling a forkful of scrambled eggs into his mouth to keep from blurting everything out at once.

Hermione pursed her lips. "I think they're alright," she said. "Though they confuse me a bit."

"Really? In what way?"

"Well," Hermione began, "I'm afraid I don't quite understand why most of the triads I've read about are arranged because the woman is powerful. Or why I have never heard of a triad with two women and one man. Is that considered bad in the Wizarding world?"

"No, it's perfectly alright," Sirius said. "It's just more popular for two men to be with one witch because witches are often stronger and more powerful than wizards."

That seemed to mollify Hermione slightly. "I find them unusual and I often wish there were more of them, both in the Wizarding and Muggle worlds. We need some diversity, if I'm being completely honest."

This was the best time. "Hermione…what do you say we try a triad?"

The brunette blinked. "Um, Sirius, don't we need a third person for that to be a triad?"

"But what do you think of the _idea_?" he pressed. "Don't worry about the third person."

Hermione thought for a minute. "It would certainly be different," she admitted. "And truth be told, I've always been curious about how they work. Maybe this is my chance to see." She bit her lip. "I…guess we could try it."

"I've got the perfect person in mind for the third person," Sirius said.

"Please tell me it's someone I can stand."

He smirked. "Of course, Kitten," he promised. "I'm sure you'll love him."

* * *

" _Please_ just trust me," Sirius begged. "I swear I'm not nuts. It's a surprise."

The man took his hand, reluctantly and suspiciously, and they disappeared with a crack.

* * *

"Um." Remus stared at Hermione, seated on the couch in the library of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He turned back to Sirius. "What are we doing? What are _you_ doing?"

Hermione rose gracefully, uncurling her legs from beneath her. "To be honest," she replied, "I don't really know. Sirius asked me how I felt about triads and told me not to worry about the third person. I'm assuming _you're_ his choice for the last person?" She directed the last toward Sirius.

"Yes," he said. "I thought that Remus would be a good choice: we're both attracted to him —"

"Wait," Remus interrupted. "And what if I'm not attracted to you two?"

"Aren't you?" Hermione asked brazenly.

"Well, yes, but —"

He was cut off by Sirius. "That's all the answer we need! You're attracted to the both of us, and we're both attracted to you."

"This is so forward of you, Black!" Hermione exclaimed. "How _dare_ you try to decide this without my input?"

He shrugged. "The decision was easy," he said. "My reasoning was what I just said: we like him, he likes us. We try it, and if we're unhappy, we can kill Remus off."

Remus took a step backward. Hermione blinked a few times before slapping Sirius's chest. "You idiot! Don't scare the poor man off before we even try this!"

"So you're agreeing to try it?" Sirius asked. His gaze shot to Remus. "That is, if you agree, too."

Remus chewed the inside of his cheek. "I don't know," he said softly. "What does this entail?"

Hermione glanced at a panicking Sirius. Clearly, he'd thought it would take more persuasion to get them to agree. "I'm assuming it entails romantic dinners, getting to know one another, maybe some movie nights with popcorn, and other 'date' type things. We can decide on that as we go along. What do you say?" Her eyelashes cast long, dark shadows across her cheeks in the orange of the setting sun.

"I say…yes."

* * *

Remus never thought it would turn out the way it had. Hermione had spotted the signs of lycanthropy after spending barely two months with him, but for some reason it didn't bother her.

In fact, she told Sirius — who also didn't care about his "furry little problem," as he named it — and the two of them stood in front of him one day and asked to get a magical tattoo of a wolf howling at the moon.

He was surprised by the request, but pleasantly so. Finally someone — two people, in fact — who loved and accepted him as he was.

* * *

 _word count: 1558_


	12. Movie Night

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (plot point) curling up together to watch movies_

* * *

Hermione couldn't believe her boyfriends had never watched a movie before. They had tried to come up with an excuse — Sirius's being that films were Muggle, and Remus's being that he never had time to. She scoffed at both pitiful reasons and told Sirius point blank that since films were Muggle, he _must_ have watched one to spite his mother. She asked Remus in a perfect deadpan how many days of the month his "condition" lasted and sniffed that he was too busy spending the other days feeling sorry for himself to ever watch one.

(Remus still couldn't believe he was lucky enough to have found a woman who didn't care about his lycanthropy.)

And so the two men found themselves in a store filled with shelves, on which were plastic boxes, following their girlfriend as she headed to a shelf labeled New Releases. She perused the plastic boxes there, leaning down and tilting her head to read the titles.

Sirius picked up a box from the shelf behind him. "What does 'R' stand for?" he asked.

She stood straight, eyebrows raised. "It means it's not for people under eighteen," she replied.

"Why not?" He was intrigued.

Hermione huffed a laugh. "Because those kinds of movies usually have at least one, if not more, scenes of…delicate subjects which should not be viewed by immature kids."

"So put it down, Pads," Remus said, amused.

Sirius frowned and pouted, but did so. "Can we watch one of those?" he asked hopefully.

Remus snorted. "You've never watched a film and you want to watch a one just because it's not for people under eighteen."

"No," Hermione said. "I've heard a lot about this one." She plucked a box from the New Release shelf and held it up. "'O Brother, Where Art Thou?'"

They glanced at one another and shrugged. "Up to you," they said in unison.

Hermione took the film up to the counter and counted out Muggle bills to pay for it. She returned a few minutes later to find Sirius scrutinizing the back of a movie box. Remus had his hands in his pockets and was staring around the store.

"Let's go," she said. "The movie is ours now! We need popcorn and candy."

Sirius dropped the film at the mention of candy, and his partners chuckled at his typical behaviour.

"Hurry up!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. "Popcorn!"

* * *

The movie was interesting, Hermione gave it that much, but she personally didn't like it. What she liked much more was being sandwiched between her men, cozy underneath the blanket spread across their laps and with a large bowl of popcorn which Sirius hogged.

The movie ended, and Remus, apparently the only one of the three who enjoyed it, clapped. Sirius stuck his hand back in the popcorn bowl to grab more popcorn and cane up empty-handed. He stared woefully at the bowl, and Hermione and Remus laughed at him.

"They loved him up and turned him into a horny toad!" Remus grinned. He was so adorable that Hermione just smiled.

"Want to watch another?" she asked. "I even got one rated R."

Sirius perked back up and quit staring at the empty bowl of popcorn. "Yes!" he cheered. "But, uh, I have to make more popcorn."

"Have Kreacher do it," Hermione suggested. Sirius called the old elf, who popped in, took the bowl, and popped out after receiving his directions.

Hermione stuck the disk into the player and pressed Start. The credits came up, and the movie had just begun when Kreacher returned with another heaping bowl of popcorn.

The movie was much more engaging than the last. It featured a strong red-haired woman who pursued by every man except the one she wanted, but she refused to chase after him. Finally, she gave in and disguised herself to get him to fall in love with her, but her cover was blown by another woman who was also after the guy. They did end up together, though, and the sex scenes had Sirius reaching beneath the blanket and fingering Hermione, who in turn massaged Remus.

As soon as the screen faded to black, Sirius removed his hand from Hermione's pajama bottoms and threw the blanket off the three of them. "Bedroom," he commanded. "Now."

Remus and Hermione didn't argue.

* * *

 _word count: 717_


	13. The Very Best

**Hogwarts (Challenges and Assignments).**

 _Moresome May — triad: Sirius/Hermione/Remus — (plot point) meeting parents_

* * *

Hermione was sitting with her boyfriends in companionable silence when she broke it: "I think we should go see my parents."

Sirius looked up from picking at his cuticles. "We? As in all three of us?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I think you're ready for it."

"I'm up for it," Remus said. "How will they, um, react to us? Do they know we're a triad?"

"Nope. They have absolutely no idea I'm dating the two of you. I don't know how they'll take it." She chewed her bottom lip nervously. "Do you think I should break it to them first before we drop by?"

"That would be the courteous thing to do," agreed Sirius. "I, however, think we should just drop by."

Hermione swatted him. "That's mean!" But he could see the grin tugging at her lips. "Well…" She stood and stretched. "May as well get it over with."

* * *

Hermione knocked on the door of a medium-sized house with colourful flower boxes at the sills and several herbs growing in terra-cotta pots on the porch.

They heard the pattering of feet and the door was flung open a second later. "Hermione!" exclaimed a slender woman who stood barely an inch taller than Hermione. "This is a surprise, but your father will be so happy to see you."

"Mum," interrupted Hermione. "I brought my boyfriends."

"Well, he can — wait. Boy _friends_? Plural?" She peered Hermione's shoulder. "Come inside," she said.

* * *

Hermione had never seen her father so red.

"You're _both_ dating my daughter?" he asked, voice deceptively calm. "How's that work, exactly?"

Remus and Sirius glanced at one another before silently deciding that Remus would be a better candidate to speak to a protective father. "Sir," spoke Remus, "we love your daughter. We also love one another, and she loves us both. To keep our hearts from being broken one way or another, we decided to give a triad a try because we already live together and are close friends, and we've been in a successful relationship now for around five months."

"Five months?" Emma Granger looked astonished. "Why didn't you tell us, Hermione? We wouldn't have judged you for who you happen to love."

"Oh, I think we would have." Daniel Granger shot his wife a frown before turning back to his daughter. "Hermione, I don't like this. These men are twice your age!"

Hermione glared at her father. "Thank you, Dad," she said, voice clipped. "They hadn't told me their age yet and I thought I was a cradle-robber."

Sirius and Remus choked on their laughter.

"Hermione…" Daniel stretched a hand to the brunette. "I didn't mean it that way. I just thought that maybe you should…reconsider this. I mean, how long have you even known one another?"

Her lips pursed, Hermione replied, "I met them both when I was fourteen. It's been nearly eight years, five of them spent as good friends, two spent dancing around one another, and the past six months as a, well, triad."

Daniel collapsed on the sofa next to Emma. He'd run out of arguments. "I don't like this," he warned her.

"It's not your life," Hermione said softly. "It's not your life and you barely bother to ask about my life anymore."

Emma stood up and crossed the room. She wrapped her arms around Hermione, who stiffened slightly before reciprocating. "We're not trying to talk you out of it, Hermione. It's just that...well, parents worry. Constantly. But I trust your judgment, and I'm sure both are wonderful men."

"They are," vowed Hermione. "The very best."

* * *

 _word count: 621_


End file.
